When your gone
by pesi
Summary: It all seemed so obvious now it was too late now he was gone. How could they not have known when he was right there with them. Warning characterdeath


Thanks to Ami for the idea and the beta 

**Summery: it all seemed so obvious now it was too late now he was gone. How could they not have known when he was right there with them. Warning characterdeath**

Catherine Willow's could hardly believe it. She could see it now of course, now it all seemed so obvious. He fitted the profile and had the skill. Attention to detail, needing approval and gratification, needing to be noticed. The personnel vendetta that had started every since Grissom received the first miniature addressed to him personally. She saw it now the way he was always there seeking praise. It had happened no more than two hours ago now. Catherine had come in early to work on the latest miniature with Ecklie. They received the DNA results form a single drop of blood on the side of it. It was Hodges DNA, cross contamination. It was Ecklie who said it, he was the one who pointed out Hodges had never been never that miniature. Archie confirmed it and everything slotted into place. Bobby had come running into the room in a complete panic almost shouting that one of his guns was missing. Then the room went into slow motion Ecklie was about to make the call when Sofia walked in almost holding up a grey and defeated looking Brass. As with most killers his downfall was his impatience. He hadn't planned on this killing; it was blind rage after overhearing Grissom saying the killer didn't impress him. Of course Hodges had only heard that part and missed the part where Grissom finished they amaze me. Being proud of not been caught was the one thing Hodges couldn't' get acknowledgement on and it ate away at him so he needed more approval than usual. Now seeing the detailed knowledge of forensics and craft, it been someone in forensics was so obvious. They had caught him fleeing the scene after a neighbour heard gunshots and called the cops. Hodges had started cleaning up but ran out of time. Ecklie had gone to the scene wouldn't let Catherine anywhere near it, told her the rest of the night shift needed to be told and that he was going to put that 'creepy bastard' away, his words that shocked Catherine.

That was why she was at in the break room where she had been for two hours. She didn't call them in early; she let them enjoy their normal lives for as long as possible. The lab techs were working in silence so appalled that one of their own could do this. Brass had gone for a walk, Sofia with him, keeping an eye on him. Nick, Warrick and Greg came into the break room talking rapid fire. News spread quickly around the crime lab, the news that Hodges was the miniature killer had spread like wild fire whereas the news of Grissom was not; this was something not to whispered in corners.

"Is it true?" asked Warrick taking Catherine off guard.

"Is Hodges the miniature killer?" asked Nick looking angry.

"Yes"-sighed Catherine. Nick, Warrick and Greg had heard this a while ago and had discussed it almost as much as Cath had analysed it. Sara sidle was last to enter looking angry as well. She was dressed in running gear looking confused at all the angry faces.

"What's going on? Judy told me to come straight here," said Sara taking the free seat at the far end of the table.

"Hodges is the miniature killer" announced Greg almost tumbling over his own words. He had worked with him the most out of everyone and to think of what he had done made Greg feel sick.

"That's not what I want to tell you" interrupted Catherine as wild chatter started from Sara completely shocked look.

"It's about Grissom," now Sara's head shot up, Catherine had her full attention.

Catherine had rehearsed this so much and now words failed her momentarily. "Grissom's dead" the words took a moment to sink into the silent room.

"What?" mumbled Greg his face paling.

"How?" demanded Nick anger clear in his voice but sadness edged in his features.

"He was shot, it was" she could hardly complete the sentence so Warrick did

"Hodges" he confirmed as Greg's hand shot to his mouths tear running down his face. Catherine placed a hand on the younger mans shoulder as it shuck gently.

Nick's anger had taken over and he was on his feet. "I'll kill him" he shouted startling everyone.

"Nick" Warrick stood up facing him down "Nick clam down this isn't helping" Warrick stared Nick down "think of Grissom, what he would want" this stopped Nick and he sunk back down into his char in defeat, tears moistening his eyes.

"No" Sara had been repeating this word since Catherine had said 'dead'. She was staring at her shaking hands.

"NO" screamed Sara suddenly looking up at Catherine "your lying I saw him he's not dead" she screamed angrily. Catherine was completely shocked.

"Sara, it's not Catherine's fault," said Warrick trying to be the voice of reason. If anyone had known the circumstances they wouldn't have told her like this, not in front of everyone but no one knew.

"NO YOUR LYING" screamed Sara standing up "I saw him he's fine, I'm not ready to say goodbye" she backed away form the table. Catherine was now stepping towards her

"GET AWAY" shouted Sara backing into the fridge "HE'S NOT DEAD" she screamed tears now running down her face like a waterfall. "He's not dead" hysteria was beginning to take over "no, no, no, NO" she fell to the floor curling her knees into her face cradling her self and rocking.

"Sara" Cath was looking around the room; she had no idea how to react to this. She bent down to her level "Sara please" she didn't know what she was asking.

"Maybe I should get someone," suggested Nick.

"Get Al I think she's gone into shock or something," said Cath as Sara stayed in her almost foetal position repeating 'no' over and over.

"She loved him," said Greg barley over a whisper. He had seen her around him and he knew that he never stood a chance because that was the man she loved.

"He loved her" came Sofia's voice from the doorway. "Ecklie called me over to the…scene" said Sofia looking down at the broken brunette on the floor. "They were living together, I think there engaged," she added walking over and bending down next to Catherine at the side of Sara "we found a ring box with one inside. The sort you don't' wear to work because you don't want to damage it"

Catherine now had hand firmly placed on Sara's shoulder trying to keep her upright

"Sara is that right?" she asked gently "were you and Grissom engaged" she cursed her chose of words 'were'.

"I'm not ready to say goodbye," sobbed Sara falling into Catherine who pulled her into a tight embrace.

Sara didn't need to say anything her reaction was enough to confirm it. Al appeared in the doorway his face had lost its normal look and sadness muddled with his features. The reason for his usual resolve crumbling was because laid in his morgue was the body of Gil Grissom; he had made it perfectly clear no one else was going near him. He had managed to keep Nick out the morgue, they didn't' need to see Grissom like that and they weren't going to. But it was the sight in front of him now that broke his heart. Greg was sat sobbing quietly to himself; Warrick was till clinging onto that bit of composure. There on the floor Sara Sidle was broken, sobbing hysterically in a crumpled heap on the floor only been held up by Catherine. The lab techs were trying to find something to do, the fact someone they new and trusted did this made it all the worse. Nick couldn't take it any longer and left punching the wall on his way out.

They stayed like that for what seemed like an eternity until Sara's sobs subsided enough that Warrick was able to lift her from the floor and carry her to a car. Catherine had taken her back to her house, as there was no way she was leaving Sara alone even if she could. Her house was still a crime scene and had yet to be cleared. Sara had repeatedly asked to go home but Cath was sure it was shock talking. After a couple of sleeping tablets Sara's tears had finally stopped and Catherine allowed herself to breakdown.

The next morning and Catherine had cleared Lindsey out with her mother early so she wasn't getting in the way. Having had a whole night to think of what happened to go over what they could have done differently made it all the worse. Nick had phoned to ask if she needed anything, he and Warrick were going into work to help process Grissom's case. Greg had been told to stay off he was having trouble dealing with the fact that Hodges had killed him someone Greg had trusted and worked with for so long. No one could deal with that fact it was someone they knew.

The week seemed to have flown by for Catherine she had done most of the arranging for Grissom's funeral and gradually learned about Sara and Grissom's relationship, talking seemed to help Sara. Nick and Warrick had helped with the case giving them some closure it also helped that Brass let them speak to Hodges, that had ended in Nick hitting him and been dragged out but apparently it was worth it, Catherine would have liked to have a shot at him. Greg had dealt to some degree with it. Sara had gone home later the next day and Warrick had stayed with her. They had taken turns staying over with her as she insisted she wanted to be with his things. Cath wasn't sure if it was helping or making it worse. After she asked to be left alone she had smashed half the kitchen up and cut her hand. Nick had come back to find her sobbing on the floor, after that she hadn't been left alone. Catherine had stayed over the night before ready to support Sara during the funeral, she could greave later her friend needed her now.

Sara woke still in a dream as she had everyday since, the dream that Grissom was still alive and there was that moment when it hit her he wasn't. She laid in bed waiting for the paralysing grief to wash over her. She didn't' know what she was doing anymore, she drifted around wondering what she was supposed to do without him. The through that he wasn't there hit her hard this morning as she was to say goodbye. The grief felt like she was been punched in the stomach it made her feel sick knowing what had happened. She didn't care who did it she wasn't ready to deal with Hodges yet, he wasn't worth anything from her, even anger. She stumbled blindly from her bed tears burning at her eyes and this time bile burning her throat. Nausea took hold of her as she stumbled down the hall and into the bathroom emptying her stomach contents in the waste paper bin in the doorway. Catherine's concern for Sara had grown over the past week and was now peaked after Greg told her Sara was sick the day before. Catharine wanted her to do to the doctor but she refused and now she could hear her emptying her stomach.

"Sara," Cath appeared in the door bending down and helping her slim frame to its upright position.

"I'm ok," mumbled Sara as Catherine led her over to he sofa, Catherine wasn't going to argue, not today. "I'm getting dressed "she said moving away from Catherine

"I'll make some toast," sighed Cath giving up as Sara went back into the bedroom.

They were now in the back of the car on the way there. Sara wore a simple black suit her eyes red and standing out against her skin that was paler than usual. Catherine also wore a suit as did Nick who was sat in the car with them. Warrick, Greg and Brass were in the car behind. Sara hadn't said a word wince they left the house. She was to busy fighting the sick feeling rising in her again. Nick was trying to decide what to say, nothing seemed appropriate so he just looked at Cath uneasily.

"Cath" Sara finally spoke looking at the older women with pleading eyes.

"What is it?" asked Cath putting a comforting hand on her shoulder. Her eyes were welling with tears.

"I can't do it" she said one tear escaping "I can't do it, I'm going to let him down," a few tears dripped down now.

"Sara you could never let him down," replied Cath placing a hand on her knee. The thought of saying goodbye seemed so permanent and made the sick feeling grow. Sara didn't' want to make a scene she just wanted to fade into the back ground but the bile in her throat made that impossible.

"I feel sick," mumbled Sara looking at her knees. Catherine tapped on the glass separating them from the driver and asked him to pull over. They were last in the small trail of cars snaking there way to the funeral so dropping off the end went unnoticed. Cath moved allowing Sara out just in time as she grabbed her knees and lost the toast Catherine had forced her to eat. Nick sat his legs swung out the car looking concerned at Catherine.

"You ok?" asked Cath putting a hand on Sara's back once she was finished. Sara gave a week nod and they got back into the car.

When they arrived everyone else was already there, Nick explained to everyone why they were late giving those who didn't need to know a story about a flat tire. The funeral was a blur to everyone, before they knew it Grissom had been cremated and they were stood outside ready to go back to Catherine's. Even Ecklie had shed a tear although he had attempted to hide it. Sofia was stood next to Brass supporting the older man the best she could. Greg had the lab techs offering him support, while everyone else tried to help Sara who had broke down again at the end of the service and had to be taken outside by Warrick. She had calmed down to some degree but was still crying gently on warrick's shoulder.

"How is she?" whispered Nick to Catherine as she came over to tell him the cars were ready.

"She just keeps saying she' not ready to say goodbye" sighed Cath "I really don't know what to do" Nick put an arm around Cath and pulled her into a hug.

"We can't do anything yet. She's not ready"

Everyone gathered back at Catherine's house and Sara slumped to the back of the room avoiding everyone. She managed it well until she began to fell ill again. She wasn't ready to say goodbye yet, not in this way se needed to do it in her way. She made her way through the gradually dissipating crowd over to Catherine.

"I don't' feel well" she poke quietly not wanting to draw attention.

"Ok" Cath put an arm around her shoulder.

"I want to go home" she just wanted to be around his things to cling onto that last bit of him. The room didn't' seem to agree with this and was spinning widely before her eye's.

"Cath" Sara griped her arm limply and then dots danced in her vision.

"Nick" Cath didn't; mean to shout as load as she did when Sara went limp in her arms. She stopped her from hitting the floor and Nick was able to lift her and carry her to a bed.

Half an hour later and Catherine was taking Sara home after losing an argument.

"How you feeling?" asked Cath who was driven Sara back.

"Woozy" replied Sara

"You know when I was been sick and fainting it was because of Lindsey"

Sara looked confused for a minute and then caught on "do you have a test?" asked Cath to which Sara nodded. Catherine stayed with Sara while she took it and while she wondered around the house holding one of Grissom's jumpers like a security blanket.

"Sara" Cath shouted as the microwave beeped. Sara sat down next to Cath on the seat and looked over at the test. She placed the jumper down; she didn't need her blanket anymore because Grissom was till here because part of him growing inside her.

THE END

A/N I like Hodges but someone on a board suggested it could be him and I had to write something!


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